No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
