please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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