I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
