Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
