I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
