the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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