I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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