He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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