my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
