I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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