I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
