It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
