I am puke
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
