The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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