Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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