i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I currently don't understand fingers.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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