I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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