Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
