so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
