when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
