I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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