The maid of honor just puked.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
