The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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