the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
