Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
