Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
