Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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