Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
