Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
