i barfeds in our rink
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
