I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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