Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
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