Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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