Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
