He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
