Sorry, I don't speak sober.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
