he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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