Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
