I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
