Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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