I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
