And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
