smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
