You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
