Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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