Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
