This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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