Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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