I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
