My sheets look like a crime scene.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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